Growing Older, Growing Wiser

As I age I am reminded of the things that use to set me off into a frenzy
How I allowed my anger to dictate my actions
That my emotions caused me not to step back
And assess the situation
With age I have become wiser
I have learned that thinking
Before speaking harshly
Diffuses bombs (sometimes)
That words you can't take back
Can have a stronger meaning
If they are well thought out
Knowing that if my worth isn't valued
This isn't a place I need to be
That loving myself first
Frees me to allow someone else to love me
Just as much
I had to go through some thangs
To get to this point in my life
When I can accept some things as they are
Or change the ones that aren't where my heart, my soul, and my body
Are in agreement with
Living life is a great teacher
And although I have learned some lessons
I am so open to learning many more

But God Needed Him Most

There are days that I still get misty eyed
That my heart aches
That I can't understand why
God needed him more than I
Yes time has passed by
But it hasn't made my missing him any less
There are moments when I forget
But then reality sets in 
And once again I realize that God needed him most
I don't know if it'll ever go away
But a small part of me died that day
When God decided his job "Well Done, my Good and Faithful servant". 
I am being selfish I guess
It was suppose to only be for a little while that his presence
embraced my life
I have known him my entire lifetime
This void, not an easy cross to bear
But God needed him most
And mistakes he does not make
Just wasn't quite prepared
To lose the first man I ever loved
Who's seen me at my worst
Praised me at my best
Never loved me any less
When my choices didn't fit his
Or when I made mistakes
But God needed him most
Although my heart still aches
And I miss him so
I know that God's got him
And when that time comes
I will see him again
But God needed him most

These Rough Times

On July 25th not long after midnight...one of my greatest fears came to life. God decided it was time to call my Daddy home. In those few moments of coming into realization, it was as if someone had knocked the wind out of me. Took my heart, stomped all over it and then afterwards handing it back to me as if there was no damage. The fear of knowing I would never see him again and that my Momma lost her best friend, seemed unbearable. But my faith in God is what kept me from falling through, you know going into that darkness that might take some time in padded rooms to pull back through. I can't say that this experience hasn't been tough and that some days I want to give up but the thing that keeps me going is knowing how much my Daddy loved God and the peace...wonderful peace that I saw on him that early morning. True I took some of our moments for granted but it did not mean I loved him any less. For if it were not for him....my life may have ended up in such a mess....children need their fathers...they are the key to helping us grow into productive adults. He could have turned his back on us....but he didn't. Through all the ups n downs.....he was always there. He sacrificed when he didn't have to. Although on this Earth I will never get to hold his hand, have a long conversation, kiss his cheek, or just say "I love you", I know that when God calls me home....my Daddy will be there waiting on me with open arms, and that is something to look forward to!!


R.I.P. Rev. Stephen Michael Webb
Sunrise: March 30, 1942
Sunset: July 25th, 2011
A Solider For The Lord
Love you forever

Excuse Me...Is This Thing On...

I need to get something off my chest

Yea I was selling myself a dream that I thought was a reality

Once thought it believed in me

When in actuality

It was my misconception of reality

It's just a fantasy 

Until I make it real

But I had to believe from with in

That I could once love again

I've lived my whole life with the theory

That love can be a beautiful thing

But hadn't loved myself enough

To know that it started with me

If I wanted some one to love me unconditionally 

I had to love me in all my flaws and positivity

Life is too short to compromise 

On yourself

With someone who doesn't recognize your worth

Takes you for granted

Makes you feel like ish

When in reality

They expect you to deal with 

Their insecurities 

There are others

Who will love you

Give to you

Believe in you

Reach for the Sun and if they could

Give it to you

So why settle for less

When you deserve

The best

Doesn't matter what she said

What he said

Know your worth

Allow that negativity to be dead

Love is a reality

Not a fantasy

But you gotta know your 

Worth

So you can have it unconditionally 

~Happy New Year~

This year I decided resolutions were no longer required. Living life is what I am going to do today, tomorrow, and every moment I have air in my lungs. God has blessed me. He knows me better than I know myself and last year he showed me what he can do! I am a simple girl. Don't need no fancy car, house, diamonds or jewels, all I need is love. Jumped through some hoops, bended some rules, gave more than I should have and yet it wasn't quite what love was suppose to look like. I thought it was but I was sadly mistaken. I almost gave up, threw in the towel and contemplated letting that part of me die a slow quiet death. Funny thing is, I am not designed like that. I was created in love, with love and through love so how can I not love? My mind was made up, my heart wasn't quite sure but God stepped in when I least expected him to and showed me there was no reason to give up. My time was coming and he hadn't brought me this far to leave me. I had my doubts though. I put on my shield and went into battle, only to realize I was fighting with myself. That didn't make sense, didn't seem like the right thing to do so I threw in the towel. Stored my armor hoping to never put it on again. This time I decided I was going to let God fight my battle and he showed me I didn't have to fight anymore cause what he had for me was for me and there was no need for me to worry. With 2011 here, I decided I will live more, love harder, laugh longer, give stronger and speak from my heart and soul. With God as my guide, I can't go wrong!!

Happy New Year and may this year bring you so much more than before.
Live, Love and Laugh.
~Peace and Blessings~
SoulGroovy

What's The Question?

Funny how I thought I had it all figured out


Thought I had all the answers


In reality, I didn’t even know the questions


Alas I move on


Going day to day


Thinking I know what I want


In reality


After all this time


I don’t


Maybe it comes with living


Maybe the answers are already there


And somehow


I didn’t get the memo


It’s what you make it


So they say


But what if you don’t know


How to make it


What if everything


You ever wanted


Was just one big


Fat lie


That you kept convincing yourself


Of


Because the truth


Is too big of a pill to swallow


To much of a burden to bear


Now what


All this time invested


All this love given


And the answers to


The questions


That you think you know


Are in retrospect


The wrong questions


For the right answers


And this is how life has been going


Walking around with blinders on


Pretending to know


Fear of someone


Figuring out


You really don’t


But until they do


We’ll keep


Going


Cause in reality


We’ve known the answers all along


To the right questions


But the truth is


Just too much to


Deal with

This Is Me

This is me
Take it or leave it
I make no apologies
For my design
Was already meant to be
A masterpiece
God don't make mistakes
We a fit
From custom design
Flaws and all
I'm not shame to carry mine
Cause if I was perfect
What would be the purpose
Of improving on
The minor
In order to bring out
The major
See this is me
Flaws and all
I don't apologize
For my character
Downfalls
Up by the boot straps
I will carry on
God has my destiny
And until that final breath
I'll just
Keep on
Keeping on

Faith

I can admit

I believed

Put all my hope

Dreams

Faith

Into it

And yet 

Time after time

After time

I ended up with regret

But I was determined 

Not to give up

But then this last time

It nearly knocked 

The wind out of me

Almost hardened my heart

Caused me grief

And yet because God

Loved me

Saw the

Determination

Perseverance

He held me 

In his arms

Whispered gently

"Hold on my child

Your time is coming"

And yet

After all the

Disappointment

Regret

My faith

In love

Has not waivered

I have not given up

That it still exist

Can be as innocent

As a new born's 

First breath

And as pure as

Fresh fallen snow

And now

I am closer to whole

Not broken

Sadden

Confused

Regretful

Angry

Instead

Optimistic

Excited

Zealous

And most of all

Faithful

For I know

He has not

Forsaken

Me 

Love's Return

Remembering 
Heart fluttering
Vulnerability
Uncertainty
Persistence
Butterflies
Open
Hope
Faith 
Fate Turns
Disparity
Melancholy
Disappointment
Barrier
Closed
Opening
Flickering
New Beginnings
Butterflies
Sparks
Rush
Pulsating
Vibrating
Patiently
Awaiting 
Love's
Return

35......REALLY????

Today I am blessed to see my 35th bornday. For me this is like a crossover into another level of an age bracket! I have left the 18-34 and crossed over to the 35 and up. It is not a bad thing, just makes the reality of adulthood even more a reality. Yet I am still young at heart when I need to be. I always say I am grateful for another year because there are some who have not made it thus far. I am grateful that I am healthy and that my kids are healthy. I have accomplished somethings, and have so much more I would like to accomplish so my journey of life I continue to travel. I do not make any promises or guarantees that I know in my heart I can't keep. I do however plan to continue to love from the heart, give from the heart and speak from the heart. This method hasn't gotten me everything I've wanted but it has prevented me from having regrets of not speaking, living, and giving from the heart. Time cannot, does not, will not be controlled by anyone so we must live each day as if it is our last and minimize regrets, maximize our ability to communicate and love from the very depths of our souls.

ChAnGe

Sometimes when you least expect it, change comes. It can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on your perspective. In the last two weeks I have experienced a change that made me somewhat nervous and momentarily uncertain of myself. Yet I was willing to embrace change and allow the newness of change to take its place in my life. I had to tell myself that I am ready to step up to the plate and own what God had already had planned for me. It is interesting to see that people see the change but yet I remain humble in my effort to embrace, share, and express my love and gratitude for life and all the things God has allowed me to see thus far. I now realize that life is all about change and when it happens you have to be willing and open to embrace it or life might just pass you by.

Temporary Insanity of Randomness

At this time of the morning, this title seems fitting! (it is 2:30 A.M. in case you were wondering!) I should be asleep but for whatever reason that my body isn't telling me I am not. So why not write...get some stuff off my chest and clear my head if I may. I haven't written in almost a month which is so unlike me...well sort of. I have a passion for this but sometimes my passion isn't on fire and my mind isn't in the mood to think about how something sounds when I put it down on paper. Some days I can't even figure out how to make two words rhyme and that can be frustrating but it is what it is. I use to stress out about it but now I realize that even great artist sometimes didn't feel so great when creating and yet greatness came from them. Sometimes when they were least expecting it. It's a fire in me that I can't put out....writing is almost like second nature. So there will be some days when I can't stop putting words down...some days when I can't even come up with a sentence that seems fitting for my emotions...and I am OK with that!!

Moment of Clarity

I use to worry about what others thought of me. Worried if I was making a good impression on them. If they liked me, wanted to befriend me, and if they thought I was someone worth sharing their time with. Now I could care less...not to sound mean but how it is possible to please everyone if you haven't pleased yourself first, if you don't like yourself first, if you can't stand to be alone with yourself first, if you don't love yourself first? When I started looking at things in this manner, I realized that if I am being true to myself then everyone else will be fine with me. Of course there will always be someone whom you can't please, whom won't like you, won't want to be your friend, or can't stand you and well I say hey it is their loss cause I certainly don't need that negativity in my life but yet if they change their mind, I will embrace them with open arms.
The hardest thing for me this year was letting go of someone who didn't value my worth. I am an amazing person...not to be cocky but I know that in my best efforts I try to treat people the way that I want to be treated. Some days I fail at it and so I expect that I get that karma back as I have put it out but never should I allow someone to treat me worse than I would treat myself. Never allowing them to think that my time, effort, love, patience, kindness, understanding, and willingness to give should be taken for granted. I can't say that it wasn't hard, but I am a better person for it and that is what matters more to me. Some of us go through life trying to fit in the boxes that OTHERS have designed for us. When in retrospect, you wouldn't be caught even dead in that box. Why settle for what your heart doesn't desire? Why confine your spirit to substandard conditions when you want so much more? Set yourself free, love yourself, make you happy and I guarantee everything will be alright. You control your destiny with guidance from God and as long as you seek him, listen to him, pray to him, obey him, love him, he will not ever steer you wrong. He loves us way too much. When you look back on those moments that you kept saying "why", the moment of clarity will reveal itself to you just in the right time and it will seem to have been all worth it.

Randomness

It is not in my best interest to ignore what my heart consistently feels. For two years I have struggled with this addiction...this addiction of love. In some instances it may not seem like a bad thing especially when it hasn't had many negative results. This addiction has forced me to realize some things about myself both positive and negative. It has forced me to release, relate and reveal my inner most thoughts. At one point I was willing to give up on love and all the things that go along with it. My heart wouldn't allow me to do so. It leads me to believe that there is more to this than lust and infatuation. Those type of emotions don't last this long. This is a deep rooted appreciation that has yet to wavier. With my consistent perseverance, things are starting to come around. As they say something worth having doesn't always come easy and if it does, why would you want to have it anyway. Now I openly, completely embrace all the emotions I am feeling whether they are positive or negative. This choice has made things so much better for me and clear. As time goes on and I continue to grow, a positive attitude with an optimistic disposition will help me not only get through the rough times but breeze right through the good times. Guess that means this is an addiction I don't need a 12 Step program for.

HeartSpeak

This is the moment
Early in the A.M.
When my mind and
♥​
Decide to have a conversation
My ♥​ is the open vessel
Taking in
Letting out
But continually
Pressing on
My mind
The stern one
Trying to guide my ♥​
In her path
My ♥​
Well she's free spirited
My mind
Well she's more reserved
She isn't so thrilled with some of the direction
My ♥​ has taken her
She wants the ♥​ to be more reserved
Not worry about feeling anything
My ♥​, ha she laughs in my mind's face
"You can't tame me," she says
My mind reminds her of pain we've felt
My ♥​ comes back with
"We got over it well"
Yet my mind still believes
If the ♥​ would only listen to me
We'd never, ever feel a thing
My ♥​ couldn't survive
Couldn't sustain its existence
She'd shrivel up, dry out
And then where would that leave us
My soul
Tries to remain neutral
Allow my mind and my ♥​
To come to their own
Equal decision
But this time and as times before
She intervenes
Imparts her wisdom
And reminds them of how we all need to
Work together
The ♥​ feels
The mind debates
The soul guides
Without working together
We'll cease to exist
So we must each play our own
Separate part
As life unfolds
And work together
When one of us can't
Handle it alone
My ♥​
My mind
Accept their command
Even decide to shake hands
The soul is content
For she knows
They both are open to
Continually grow

Hello Love

Hello my love
It has almost been a year's time
That I've felt your heart beat next to mine
Yet it still constantly, consistently
Beats for you
Awaiting patiently for the moment
When once again
It can beat in sync with you
The fire in my soul
Stirring up
As I have never known before
A desire for you
Luring me in for more
Not of anything I have known before
A calamity of desire
Inquiring my curiosity
To figure out the modesty
Of the knowingly
Connection between you and me
Sometimes it's as if
The core of me feels you
Even when you are many miles away
My senses become consumed with
The scent of you
My soul, my heart
Longs for you
Even after a year's time
My passion and fire
Way deep below inside
Constantly, consistently
Burns for you
Hello my love
I am here
Waiting for you

Caught Up

What is it about you
Has my heart and soul captured
Sometimes I'm fed up
Don't want to feel this way
As hard as I try with all my might
I can't seem to win this fight
Can't seem to comprehend the exchanges between you and I
Can't seem to accept the signs of it not being meant to be
Trying to escape this reality
My strong desire of you being with me
Can you shed some light
Explain to me so I can get right
Let my heart comprehend what my mind seems to be
Already understanding what has proven to be destiny
It's the craziest thing cause never in my life
Has my heart put up such a fight
Never has it went this long
Hoping, praying, for some sign
That you and I belong
As one to live in Love's
Comfort zone
Possibly happily ever after

Craving

It's funny how even when so much time has passed
The thought of you
A message
A phone call
Stirs me up
Gets my blood flowing to those places
I dare not mention
My heart skips a beat
My stomach flutters from
The butterflies
But yet I am not as much
Desired in your eyes
I can't quite understand
Why my body craves you
Needs you
Wants to feel the softness of your lips
The thrust of your passion
Satisfying my needs
Of my cravings for you

Sunday Morning

This morning as
I watched you sleep
And as the sunlight
Embraced your face
My heart, my soul
Wanted to take all your cares away
Wanted to protect you from the evil ways of the world
Give you peace
Tranquility during the storm
Somehow you always felt that was your job
To protect me
Give me all that I need
All that I desire
Comforting me when I was in need
As I watched you sleep
I wanted more than anything
To give you everything that you have given me
And more
Tracing the outline of your lips
Your eyes, your nose
Remembering the moments when you smile
The moments when you frown
My gratefulness to witness them all
I listen to every breath
The beating of your heart
Knowing that deep down
I dwell in a special place
That is more than just your heart

Additcted

Tried to break the cycle
Tried to follow those 12 steps
Movin on
Some how my heart
Keeps finding her way back to you
It's not like I haven't tried
To break my addiction to you
It's complicated
My mind can't quite comprehend
My body aches with pain
Need that fix
To get that high
You so give me
Every single time
I'm addicted to you
No denying that
You are my natural high