What's The Question?

Funny how I thought I had it all figured out


Thought I had all the answers


In reality, I didn’t even know the questions


Alas I move on


Going day to day


Thinking I know what I want


In reality


After all this time


I don’t


Maybe it comes with living


Maybe the answers are already there


And somehow


I didn’t get the memo


It’s what you make it


So they say


But what if you don’t know


How to make it


What if everything


You ever wanted


Was just one big


Fat lie


That you kept convincing yourself


Of


Because the truth


Is too big of a pill to swallow


To much of a burden to bear


Now what


All this time invested


All this love given


And the answers to


The questions


That you think you know


Are in retrospect


The wrong questions


For the right answers


And this is how life has been going


Walking around with blinders on


Pretending to know


Fear of someone


Figuring out


You really don’t


But until they do


We’ll keep


Going


Cause in reality


We’ve known the answers all along


To the right questions


But the truth is


Just too much to


Deal with

This Is Me

This is me
Take it or leave it
I make no apologies
For my design
Was already meant to be
A masterpiece
God don't make mistakes
We a fit
From custom design
Flaws and all
I'm not shame to carry mine
Cause if I was perfect
What would be the purpose
Of improving on
The minor
In order to bring out
The major
See this is me
Flaws and all
I don't apologize
For my character
Downfalls
Up by the boot straps
I will carry on
God has my destiny
And until that final breath
I'll just
Keep on
Keeping on

Faith

I can admit

I believed

Put all my hope

Dreams

Faith

Into it

And yet 

Time after time

After time

I ended up with regret

But I was determined 

Not to give up

But then this last time

It nearly knocked 

The wind out of me

Almost hardened my heart

Caused me grief

And yet because God

Loved me

Saw the

Determination

Perseverance

He held me 

In his arms

Whispered gently

"Hold on my child

Your time is coming"

And yet

After all the

Disappointment

Regret

My faith

In love

Has not waivered

I have not given up

That it still exist

Can be as innocent

As a new born's 

First breath

And as pure as

Fresh fallen snow

And now

I am closer to whole

Not broken

Sadden

Confused

Regretful

Angry

Instead

Optimistic

Excited

Zealous

And most of all

Faithful

For I know

He has not

Forsaken

Me 

Love's Return

Remembering 
Heart fluttering
Vulnerability
Uncertainty
Persistence
Butterflies
Open
Hope
Faith 
Fate Turns
Disparity
Melancholy
Disappointment
Barrier
Closed
Opening
Flickering
New Beginnings
Butterflies
Sparks
Rush
Pulsating
Vibrating
Patiently
Awaiting 
Love's
Return

35......REALLY????

Today I am blessed to see my 35th bornday. For me this is like a crossover into another level of an age bracket! I have left the 18-34 and crossed over to the 35 and up. It is not a bad thing, just makes the reality of adulthood even more a reality. Yet I am still young at heart when I need to be. I always say I am grateful for another year because there are some who have not made it thus far. I am grateful that I am healthy and that my kids are healthy. I have accomplished somethings, and have so much more I would like to accomplish so my journey of life I continue to travel. I do not make any promises or guarantees that I know in my heart I can't keep. I do however plan to continue to love from the heart, give from the heart and speak from the heart. This method hasn't gotten me everything I've wanted but it has prevented me from having regrets of not speaking, living, and giving from the heart. Time cannot, does not, will not be controlled by anyone so we must live each day as if it is our last and minimize regrets, maximize our ability to communicate and love from the very depths of our souls.

ChAnGe

Sometimes when you least expect it, change comes. It can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on your perspective. In the last two weeks I have experienced a change that made me somewhat nervous and momentarily uncertain of myself. Yet I was willing to embrace change and allow the newness of change to take its place in my life. I had to tell myself that I am ready to step up to the plate and own what God had already had planned for me. It is interesting to see that people see the change but yet I remain humble in my effort to embrace, share, and express my love and gratitude for life and all the things God has allowed me to see thus far. I now realize that life is all about change and when it happens you have to be willing and open to embrace it or life might just pass you by.

Temporary Insanity of Randomness

At this time of the morning, this title seems fitting! (it is 2:30 A.M. in case you were wondering!) I should be asleep but for whatever reason that my body isn't telling me I am not. So why not write...get some stuff off my chest and clear my head if I may. I haven't written in almost a month which is so unlike me...well sort of. I have a passion for this but sometimes my passion isn't on fire and my mind isn't in the mood to think about how something sounds when I put it down on paper. Some days I can't even figure out how to make two words rhyme and that can be frustrating but it is what it is. I use to stress out about it but now I realize that even great artist sometimes didn't feel so great when creating and yet greatness came from them. Sometimes when they were least expecting it. It's a fire in me that I can't put out....writing is almost like second nature. So there will be some days when I can't stop putting words down...some days when I can't even come up with a sentence that seems fitting for my emotions...and I am OK with that!!

Moment of Clarity

I use to worry about what others thought of me. Worried if I was making a good impression on them. If they liked me, wanted to befriend me, and if they thought I was someone worth sharing their time with. Now I could care less...not to sound mean but how it is possible to please everyone if you haven't pleased yourself first, if you don't like yourself first, if you can't stand to be alone with yourself first, if you don't love yourself first? When I started looking at things in this manner, I realized that if I am being true to myself then everyone else will be fine with me. Of course there will always be someone whom you can't please, whom won't like you, won't want to be your friend, or can't stand you and well I say hey it is their loss cause I certainly don't need that negativity in my life but yet if they change their mind, I will embrace them with open arms.
The hardest thing for me this year was letting go of someone who didn't value my worth. I am an amazing person...not to be cocky but I know that in my best efforts I try to treat people the way that I want to be treated. Some days I fail at it and so I expect that I get that karma back as I have put it out but never should I allow someone to treat me worse than I would treat myself. Never allowing them to think that my time, effort, love, patience, kindness, understanding, and willingness to give should be taken for granted. I can't say that it wasn't hard, but I am a better person for it and that is what matters more to me. Some of us go through life trying to fit in the boxes that OTHERS have designed for us. When in retrospect, you wouldn't be caught even dead in that box. Why settle for what your heart doesn't desire? Why confine your spirit to substandard conditions when you want so much more? Set yourself free, love yourself, make you happy and I guarantee everything will be alright. You control your destiny with guidance from God and as long as you seek him, listen to him, pray to him, obey him, love him, he will not ever steer you wrong. He loves us way too much. When you look back on those moments that you kept saying "why", the moment of clarity will reveal itself to you just in the right time and it will seem to have been all worth it.

Randomness

It is not in my best interest to ignore what my heart consistently feels. For two years I have struggled with this addiction...this addiction of love. In some instances it may not seem like a bad thing especially when it hasn't had many negative results. This addiction has forced me to realize some things about myself both positive and negative. It has forced me to release, relate and reveal my inner most thoughts. At one point I was willing to give up on love and all the things that go along with it. My heart wouldn't allow me to do so. It leads me to believe that there is more to this than lust and infatuation. Those type of emotions don't last this long. This is a deep rooted appreciation that has yet to wavier. With my consistent perseverance, things are starting to come around. As they say something worth having doesn't always come easy and if it does, why would you want to have it anyway. Now I openly, completely embrace all the emotions I am feeling whether they are positive or negative. This choice has made things so much better for me and clear. As time goes on and I continue to grow, a positive attitude with an optimistic disposition will help me not only get through the rough times but breeze right through the good times. Guess that means this is an addiction I don't need a 12 Step program for.

HeartSpeak

This is the moment
Early in the A.M.
When my mind and
♥​
Decide to have a conversation
My ♥​ is the open vessel
Taking in
Letting out
But continually
Pressing on
My mind
The stern one
Trying to guide my ♥​
In her path
My ♥​
Well she's free spirited
My mind
Well she's more reserved
She isn't so thrilled with some of the direction
My ♥​ has taken her
She wants the ♥​ to be more reserved
Not worry about feeling anything
My ♥​, ha she laughs in my mind's face
"You can't tame me," she says
My mind reminds her of pain we've felt
My ♥​ comes back with
"We got over it well"
Yet my mind still believes
If the ♥​ would only listen to me
We'd never, ever feel a thing
My ♥​ couldn't survive
Couldn't sustain its existence
She'd shrivel up, dry out
And then where would that leave us
My soul
Tries to remain neutral
Allow my mind and my ♥​
To come to their own
Equal decision
But this time and as times before
She intervenes
Imparts her wisdom
And reminds them of how we all need to
Work together
The ♥​ feels
The mind debates
The soul guides
Without working together
We'll cease to exist
So we must each play our own
Separate part
As life unfolds
And work together
When one of us can't
Handle it alone
My ♥​
My mind
Accept their command
Even decide to shake hands
The soul is content
For she knows
They both are open to
Continually grow

Hello Love

Hello my love
It has almost been a year's time
That I've felt your heart beat next to mine
Yet it still constantly, consistently
Beats for you
Awaiting patiently for the moment
When once again
It can beat in sync with you
The fire in my soul
Stirring up
As I have never known before
A desire for you
Luring me in for more
Not of anything I have known before
A calamity of desire
Inquiring my curiosity
To figure out the modesty
Of the knowingly
Connection between you and me
Sometimes it's as if
The core of me feels you
Even when you are many miles away
My senses become consumed with
The scent of you
My soul, my heart
Longs for you
Even after a year's time
My passion and fire
Way deep below inside
Constantly, consistently
Burns for you
Hello my love
I am here
Waiting for you

Caught Up

What is it about you
Has my heart and soul captured
Sometimes I'm fed up
Don't want to feel this way
As hard as I try with all my might
I can't seem to win this fight
Can't seem to comprehend the exchanges between you and I
Can't seem to accept the signs of it not being meant to be
Trying to escape this reality
My strong desire of you being with me
Can you shed some light
Explain to me so I can get right
Let my heart comprehend what my mind seems to be
Already understanding what has proven to be destiny
It's the craziest thing cause never in my life
Has my heart put up such a fight
Never has it went this long
Hoping, praying, for some sign
That you and I belong
As one to live in Love's
Comfort zone
Possibly happily ever after

Craving

It's funny how even when so much time has passed
The thought of you
A message
A phone call
Stirs me up
Gets my blood flowing to those places
I dare not mention
My heart skips a beat
My stomach flutters from
The butterflies
But yet I am not as much
Desired in your eyes
I can't quite understand
Why my body craves you
Needs you
Wants to feel the softness of your lips
The thrust of your passion
Satisfying my needs
Of my cravings for you

Sunday Morning

This morning as
I watched you sleep
And as the sunlight
Embraced your face
My heart, my soul
Wanted to take all your cares away
Wanted to protect you from the evil ways of the world
Give you peace
Tranquility during the storm
Somehow you always felt that was your job
To protect me
Give me all that I need
All that I desire
Comforting me when I was in need
As I watched you sleep
I wanted more than anything
To give you everything that you have given me
And more
Tracing the outline of your lips
Your eyes, your nose
Remembering the moments when you smile
The moments when you frown
My gratefulness to witness them all
I listen to every breath
The beating of your heart
Knowing that deep down
I dwell in a special place
That is more than just your heart

Additcted

Tried to break the cycle
Tried to follow those 12 steps
Movin on
Some how my heart
Keeps finding her way back to you
It's not like I haven't tried
To break my addiction to you
It's complicated
My mind can't quite comprehend
My body aches with pain
Need that fix
To get that high
You so give me
Every single time
I'm addicted to you
No denying that
You are my natural high

Love

Unconditionally
Requesting
Openness
Vulnerability
To express
The innermost
Self giving
Emotion
Within
Not jealous
Nor confused
Real

Today

Today I fought with my heart and my mind
My mind tells me to walk away
Give you up
My heart begs to differ
Throw caution to the wind
Grab onto its coat tails
And let it carry me
But will I end up in your arms
Or will you turn your back to me
Will you love me as much as I love you
Or will you take advantage of love
To fulfill only your selfish needs
Nothing, no one compares to you
But I can't spend an eternity waiting
For you to figure it out
Life is too short
Time is of the essence
Tomorrow is not promised
So I must carry forth
Hope for the best
And if we are equally yoked
We'll be joined as one for all eternity
If not, you'll forever dwell in my heart

Listen

Listen
Can you hear the sound
Listen
Can you hear him
Listen
For he is speaking of the agony of his heart
The pain he felt
As she turned
Walked away
Never to look back
Listen
Can you hear the tears
Listen
Can you feel her pain
Every time she said the wrong thing
Looked the wrong way
Listen
His hand placed bruises of red markings
He called them love
Understanding
Listen
Teachings
She felt them
Feared them
Saw them
Listen
Knew they were not as he said
Listen
Where would she go
Didn't want to answer questions
Listen
See eyes
Stop, stare, point
Listen
She would try to leave
Escape this horrible reality
Listen
But where
How
When
What
He was all she knew
This is what he said lovers do
Listen
Why weren't others blackened and bruised
Listen
She could no longer
Stand the pain of his love
Listen
As it drew blood
Left marks
That even make-up
Nor clothing could no longer hide
Listen
It was time
Fear was no longer an option
Listen
She had to protect
The seed she carried inside
Listen
Before dawn
As he slumbered peacefully
The window opened so effortlessly
One leg
Arm
Head
Torso
Feet
Placed firmly on solid ground
She moved like a ninja in the night
Listen
She'd no longer
Have to fight
Listen
Moonlight was her guide
Maternal instinct was her sword
Listen
There a place
She could rest
Figure out her next move
Listen
No matter how
Long
Hard
Weak
Listen
There was no going back
Listen
A new beginning
Protecting her seed
Listen
A fresh start
No more marks
Made to cover
Fear
Not an option
Listen
Free
Free from
Her worst enemy
Listen

I Still Believe

Thus far in my 34 years of life I have had my experiences with love. Some have been positive, some have been negative but I have always to the best of my ability tried to take something positive or useful from my experiences. It took me a moment to get to that place but wouldn't change anything about the journey. Yet I hear so many say they have given up or don't need a companion in their life to achieve a certain level of happiness and I wonder how can that be when the way of nature dictates otherwise. In every species there is a mate! Even in some inanimate objects there is a male and female connection. (In some cases, there is a same of the same connection if that's what floats your boat) I believe that we were not designed to live our lives alone but that so many of us fear the "what ifs" that we won't allow someone in. Yet deep down inside we yearn for a certain type of connection that is only made to share with a particular one. Love is not confined to one way of thinking or what society dictates. Love to me is an evolving opportunity to reach within the depths of your soul and allow someone to see your weaknesses, your strengths, your good side, your bad side, your fears, your confidence and the chance to nakedly expose the true nature of your being and knowing that, that person is still willing to accept you for who you are flaws and all. In everything I have experienced, I still believe that each and everyone of us has another who not only connects with us but completes us as well but we can't allow fear, pain, anger or past negative experiences to prevent us from experiencing the true meaning of Love.

Material Girl

I am not a material girl
Not caught up in a material world
They can take all my worldly goods
Cause if I can't have u, I have nothing
You are the beginning to my end
You are the calm in the storm
You are the fire in my soul
Cars, money, houses
Don't represent me
It's what's on the inside
I want people to see
I'm content just being a hippie
Making the world
My canvas
My exploration
My expression of self-love
Cause when it's all said and done
Nobody will remember what you have or had
They'll remember how you treated them
If you gave a dam
Or were you selfish
Self involved
Never lending a helping hand
I'm not a material girl
Not caught up in a material world
All I need is you
Helping me paint the world
With our love

I AM

I am beautiful
I am sweet
I am happy
I am sunny
I am sad
I am the best thing that ever happened to you
I am your worst nightmare
I am caramel with a touch of milk chocolate
I am a gift wrapped up with a nice bow
I am a storm raging within
I am the calm after the storm
I am peace
I am chaos
I am joy
I am solitude
I am sexy
I am all natural
I am free spirited
I am confident
I am giving
I am LOVE

Day 3 into 2010

Last year I made a resolution to write something everyday on my blog. Whether it be poetry or just some random thoughts. This year I decided I would write when I was moved to write because for one thing the flow just seemed better and secondly, it makes much more sense, well to me at least. Three days in and I have done one of the things I said I would start doing last year...just carried it over into this year. If I don't agree with what someone says and it emotionally affects me, I am going to let that person know. I am passive-aggressive, non-confrontational, and easy going which is fine by me but sometimes I don't speak what I feel in order to keep the peace. This in turn causes me to hold on to feelings that I shouldn't have if I just speak what I feel. The good thing is I take a moment and think (analyze for those who really know me) before I speak my mind or from my heart. This way not only do I get to express myself but I don't say anything I feel I will regret later. So far this has worked in a positive way and although it may have caused some hurt feelings on either person's part, it opened even more lines of communication. I realize that this newly way of expressing myself may not always have a positive outcome but at least I will not be carrying around emotional stress that could later on lead to unwanted health issues. Stress is a silent killer that many of us are unaware of and should be made aware of and dealt with as much as possible. With all that being said....Happy New Year and may this one be your best year yet!!!